by Ashley Turner
on Thursday, October 26th, 2017 at 1:50pm.
So today is October 26th, and with Halloween right around the corner, The Turnkey Group feels it's imperative to outline how some of the common elements associated with this time of year can affect the housing market. This might get a little eerie, so if you're spooked out by ghouls and ghosts, this isn't the post for you...
Question 1: "I bought a house, but my home inspector somehow missed the fact that there's a zombie living in the attic. What's my next legal step? How does this affect resale value?"
Good question! It's never fun when this happens but it's an unfortunate, albeit remote possibility for any home sale. To answer your first question, home inspectors are only required to evaluate the condition and possible red flags in a home. They aren't legally responsible to include the sighting of a zombie, as long as the zombie doesn't pose a risk to the integrity of the home. It's entirely possible (and likely) the inspector did encounter the zombie, and made an educated decision the zombie posed no risk to the actual home in question. Unfortunately it's all but a certainty the zombie will pose a risk to the inhabitants of the house, but that's not up to the inspector to include in his report. As for your next question, believe it or not an active zombie WILL hurt the resale value of your home. To remedy this, The Turnkey Group highly recommends neutralizing the zombie by whatever means necessary. If the zombie is properly slain and disposed of, the owner is NOT obligated to disclose this on their Property Information Disclosure Statement. However if one chooses to ignore the zombie in the attic for example, this will have to be disclosed in the PCDS.
Question 2: "We viewed the home and furniture was stationary. Now, weeks after our possession, chairs and beds seem to be levitating and randomly being hurled through all rooms in the house. What gives?"
The dirty secret of real estate is many older homes are built on ancient burial grounds. Sounds like yours is a textbook case. Obviously this isn't ideal, BUT our team has dealt with this extensively, and can help. The main thing to understand here is angry spirits are showing their displeasure with the very existence of the home and it's up to you to cleanse the home. A ghost hunter is the trendy, hollywoodized solution for this but that's just putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. The Turnkey Group always supports Occam's Razor, which of course states that the most simple explanation is probably the best way to determine the solution. So here, just a standard seance. Communicate with the dead, assure them you mean no malice by inhabiting the home. It's safe to say the seance won't be a pleasant experience, but it will likely reduce the smashing plates, blood dripping down the walls, spectral visions, etc. If you need a reputable seance director, please let our team know and we would be happy to recommend one.
Question 3: "We bought a cabin, which is so exciting. Buuuuuuut, every teenager we meet we never see again, which we find weird. We are considering starting a family, so we are wondering if teenagers know something about this place we don't. Is there a way to find out if our lake is youth-friendly"
There's no good way to say this - but it sounds like you bought a cabin at a terrorized lake. This sounds like a run-of-the-mill masked murderer running around, targeting dozens of teenagers. The good news is, you're safe! The bad news is, your future teenagers likely won't be, as this villain likely borders on the immortal and can endure inhuman amounts of abuse. This isn't like the zombie in the attic conundrum, this entity can't be destroyed by simple means. Instead, we advise you to find a lake that isn't inhabited by a machete-wielding maniac. There are plenty of these lakes and your future teenagers will thank you for your willingness to relocate.
There are plenty of scenarios and questions we would love to entertain further, but truthfully there are just too many to tackle in one post. But before we depart, just a few standard tips to avoid terror in your future homes:
-If you see a book bound by human flesh, good idea to not read it. If you insist on reading it, please don't read Latin passages aloud! Usually awakens multiple types of dark forces that at the very least, would rip up your yard as they emerge from their depths of eternal misery.
-Houses in the country are always a nice way to escape the urban annoyances, but if there are dozens of abandoned cars in the area, there is a good chance you are being shown a home inhabited by backwoods cannibals. Mold of many types will always be a problem in these homes, so be aware of what you're walking into.
-If a seller INSISTS on leaving a small doll with the property, do not surrender to this condition. In cases like this, the doll likely is possessed and will stop at nothing to slay you and all your loved once. It's best to not even go forward in cases like this, even if they agree to take the doll, as in many cases the sellers don't survive until the money is transferred. This creates a massive legal mess and The Turnkey Group recommends just breaking off negotiations once a doll is mentioned.
As we mentioned above, there are hundreds of different morbid scenarios that generally pop up around this time of year, so please don't hesitate to contact us if you have any other ones you wish to discuss and we would be happy to help. Happy Halloween!